i am not...

okay so.. he came on.. havent talked to him since wednesday or so and i was really okay.. i mean im being very understanding and as supportive as i can... but...today when he came online and all hed talk about was about his problem with his foot i just lost it..i know he's going through a rough time.. i get it.. really i do but i dont know how much longer i can just put up a smile on my face when he shows up and pretend like im fine.. which i kinda am.. and i would be if this hadnt gotten to me as badly.. he's being selfish.. and hes taking advantage of the position im in... and im too tired to go away.. I just dont wanna start looking again.. im just done with this.. i dont have the will to end this thing and start again.. so im kinda stuck here.. in a relationship that doesnt provide me with anything at all... a relationship where all i do is give give give.. and maybe i need to get something too.. some feedback you know..

I recently noticed i gave up my "lifestyle side" for him... i am not being myself.. i stopped it.. as much as i could.. i just shut it down unconsciously.. and i shouldnt have.. because i fought and went through hell to be like i was 2 or 3 months ago.. Now im just this being that is stuck in a relationship.. that despite her lies is highly unhappy but has managed to overcome that and put a smile on her face for the last few months.. i settled for something that is not even a 10% of what i should be getting... and then i love him.... and then something tells me that hes lying to me... and that thought is getting stronger and stronger by the day and it makes me wonder whether its one of m y defense mechanisms that is getting ready just in case or if its really that "6th sense".. its complicated... and robert was right when he said... you cant be happy when youre denying who you are.. and no.. i am not... i am not...

it's been a loooooong day

well... she's confused.. she hurt Someone she never wanted to hurt.. uhmm she just didnt wanna keep going with something she wasnt completely happy with... dam it i sound like someone i dont like at all.. one slave.. not gonna mention her but geesh.. is she like that girl? she doesnt want that... she's really considering walking away for a while as she does not want to hurt anyone else on the way.. she's not sure if she's too messed up or not.. some of her friends keep telling her she's not but tis hard to see that when you're feeling awful cause you think you hurt someone who care for you...how do you explain to that person he's done nothing wrong she just didnt find what she was looking for and decided to stop it before it got worse for both of Us without sounding like a cliche.. some ppl say its her happiness what she has to look for firstly.. thats not in her nature.. she's not to used to that.. she's always looking for everyone else's happiness even at her own expense.. and when for once she decided to stop that she feels awful.. maybe she's just making big issue out of this and she just dont wanna hurt anyone in any way.. shes alreasy like that.. and feels pretty bad.. neednt include anyone else in her pain.. tis hard to express everything shes feleing in here.. she has so much to say but is not finding the right way to do so.. anywayz...

test result and some more rambling lol

angelfire, based on your responses, your top career area is Counseling and Guidance Careers in this field often demand that you have a strong desire to improve the lives of others. Most likely, you have strong interpersonal skills, and enjoy working with people. It may also be important to you to work in a profession where you can be certain you're making a difference.

lolol she took a career test or sth like that earlier and was actually surprised about the response she got.... tis funny but it actually reflects one aspect of this girl's personality.. she's always willing to help everyone.. friend or not.. sometimes even at her own expense.. she kinda doesnt care about it.. until the wrong person finds her and abuses that quality of this girl... thats nother topic though.. she just wants to make people happy.. show them a different point of view but always with the truth... truth is a very delicate thing.. especially in here..there are times when shed rather stay quiet than actually say what she has in mind.. she knows that s a mistake but well.. she might work on changing that eventually.. it doesnt worry her lots because when she needs to speak up cuz there's something bigger than her going on.. she will speak up.. will even stand for herself if needs to.. and in presence of the right ppl she will speak her mind without fear of being judged for what she says.. some Pppl actually were lucky enough to see this.. feels good to be comfortable enough with someone to make this girl speak her mind.. allowing her to show herself as she really is.. she tends tobe quiet that she cant deny but well part of her shyness she guesses.. its not that terrible after all..
going back to topic.. geesh tis so easy for this girl miss her point.. lol.. she's a med student and guess what.. she actually got in med school cuz wants to improve ppl's lives if she has chance to do so.. she couldnt be anurse.. she doesnt know why.. well yes she does.. she couldnt be accepting Drs orders all day long without getting in an argument every now and then.. well bit more often that that.. lol.. same reason why she couldnt be a secretary.. what she just wrote made her wonder more than once if she was really a sub.. she asked not only herself but her Master at that time.. and He proved her wrong.. she is a sub or a slave maybe.. she still has to figure that out.. after being released she got back to studying about the lifestyle more intensively. and she found out she actually was a more of a slave to her Master than a sub.. but well.. as she said above she's still trying ot figure that out.. shes always available if a friend need anything.. just in here that might be more difficult to show for her.. as lots of ppl say that but dont actually mean it.. and some other ppl on the receiving end take those words as words when actually mean a lot more than that.. but well thats not withing her power.. lol not taht she doesnt get upset if she cant help someone in here.. some ppl are more open to that .. some others are not.. some others need proves.. to show what that person is aying is actually true .. we are all different.. would be a quite boring world otherwise right? yes it would be.. a really boring one btw... now she has a question.. how much is it too much whenhelping others... ? this girl knows she wouldnt feel complete if she realises she wasnt able to help a person in distress lol not a damsel.. now taht sounds selfish and more like a personal gain.. well its not like taht and she knows it... is it too much when you tried even at your own expense? or is it enough when you start seeing you will get tooinvolved and might end up hurt or anything like that? well answer seems very clear to this girl.. she'll help even at her own expense.. that will make her day.. no matter if taht person nvr said thanks.. no matter if taht person forgot you asas you stopped talking to him/her.. was all worth it if that person felt better after talking to this girl.. if that person could smile mission accomplished.. lol she sounds like patch adams now.. but well she believes was a great movie.. and she wishes sh could be like him.. without all da trouble lol.. well enuff rambling.. brain cells fainted cuz they had to think lots this afternoon .. giggles..

how can it all change so much

Sometimes she wonders how can everything change so much.. not just her but everything.. maybe she's actually changing.. maybe more than she realises.. or maybe she's actually starting to see what was hidden under mere appeareances.. she's not quiete sure bout thst.. only thing is sure of is nothing will be the way it once was.. that might actually be a good thing.. she's not sure about it.. and at same time she wishes she didnt care about it.. yet she does..

Its been quite a while since she last had chance to get all her thought in here.. she missed it.. but different circumstances kept her from doing so.. she has so much to write about.. she'll start by saying she's talking to One.. she doesnt wanna rush things this time.. even if deep inside her she knows she wants to.. but she's not making same mistake again.. she's been too hurt and does not wish that to happen ever again.. not to her nor to the person who stays by her side.. she wonders if she's mentioned some person with no life keeps booting her.. yeah wonders what she did to get that person mad.. shes thinking of two probable booters (ok her mind is way too complicated and she tends to think about ten thousand things @ the same time... ow she wonders.. if a certain Someone form her past didnt think much of her why would he keep telling her how gorgeous she was.. rolls eyes.. anyways...) both males.. thats all she's gonna say about it.. shes in no position to accuse Aanyone but if that certain one happens to read this.. cuz this is a public blog and this girl is awar eof that.. she asks You to please stop or talk to her cause if theres anything bothering You she doesnt know what it is and would like to fix it.. well this is certainly not a board to make announcements but she really needed to get that out of her chest.. cuz something as small as a booter when nothing's going right might just add to it.. and if you're not feeling right trust me.. last thing you want is someone bothering you..

k changing topic again.. she's doing better luckily.. some ppl were able to give her some really good advice.. she appreciates that more than she can say.. sometimes tis kindda hard to face the truth.. or reality but geez feels good to be able to tell whats in past and whats not and actually be able to move on.. with this she's not saying she's great every day just she's in great more often as time goes by.. yes she still get upset over silly stuff.. but she's mostly doing great.. she just needed a time to think what she wanted to do.. what she really wanted in fact.. she knew she didnt want another player as she had already met two.. she knew she wanted a real person on the other side of the screen to name it somehow... as she said before she's talking to One.. time will tell.. but she's happy she's managing to overcome ghosts from her past.. but still has to regain trust... she thougth she could trust again wasily as she used to.. and turns out she can but she's a bit scared.. she doesnt want same to happen again.. and even though she trust Him she doesnt know how to control that.. she knows He wouldnt lie but she thought same before... she wants to trust Him so badly.. especially since He hasnt showed her reason not to... she's trying but its having such a ahrd time doing so... she knows it her problem.. she really hopes its a matter of time.. thats reason why she doesnt wanna rush things.. if its supposed it will happen.. all We can do is help it happen.. well.. she already feels better.. she managed to get lots of things out... prolly not the way she would have wanted but thats not an issue... not now.. not today..

ok.. thinks been over a week since a girl had chance to post sth here... she has been a bit busy and dealin with some issues which couldnt wait.. she's been writing down most important topics she wanted to write about in here... oops she gotta go again but will be gettin back here soon.. she really really has lots to write about..

dam.. it had been a great day for this girl... and now she's back to how she was couple weeks ago... she misses You so much and is not succeeding in moving on... she still cries for You and her heart keeps breaking when H ethink of you... she also hates you for leaving her here alone and lying to her.. she did not deserve that .. she can tmove on and blames you for it... shes not sur eshe can tkeep living like this...

takes a deep breath.. going bed now... feeling way better after talking to some friends... smiles

If you see Him tell Him...

You've seen me and i'm doing better

That there's Someone by my side

with whom i fell in love

Days have gone by

and i havent even realised how fast

That my sleep is still here

and that im over Us

Tell Him im doing great

That ive never been better

That if He thinks im dying because He's not here

let Him think that

Tell Him that in in the end id be grateful to Him

Thinking again.. tell Him you dont see me anymore

If you see Him tell Him i dont expect His call anymore

Tell Him i dont wake up in the middle of the night

Tell i dont remember who He is and that i dont need Him

Tell Him i healed and that Our story is in the past

Tell Him im doing great

That ive never been better

That if He thinks im dying because He's not here

Let Him think that

Tell Him that in the end id be grateful to Him

Thinking again.. tell Him you dont see me anymore

And tell Him that im doing great (even though i know very well im not)

That ive never been better (lie for me please)

That if He thinks im dying because He's not here

let Him think that (dont lie to Him anymore)
Tell Him that in the end id be grateful to Him

Thinking again.. tell Him you dont see me anymore

The text above is a song.. yes a sad one..it expresses some of this girl's feelings... she's been feeling pretty bad.. not only mentally but physically... she believes that the physical pain is partly a consequence of her mental state..

This is like the 4th time she tries posting in here so hopefully will succeed now... lots and lots of things happened this weekend.. both related to this and nilla word .. oh and did she mention she cant get rid of this dam headache???? thought was a hangover at first.. due to a prty she had sunday's nite but no.. tis tuesday's nite and still here... my new best friend as told someone today.. a girl keeps asking herself what is it that she finds in drinking that attracts her so much.. she doesnt need to tell the truth to Aanyone.. she was with her freinds so didnt need anything not to be so shy.. maybe cuz allows me to avoid reality and this girl sometimes just needs that.. still she hates feeling that way.... she misses Him but she wants to move on and be able to let go.. and every time shes about to do so something comes up... it got nasty on saturday's nite wth her friends at her house... we were only four but more than enough to end up with a break up and a girl crying.. (who wasnt this girl lol for once ) two drunk ppl.. yeah unfortunately this girl part of that along ng with the crying girl's boyfriend.. sighs.. this girl's friend realised her boyfriend was lots more alike this girl than her... she got all worries .. and they broke up today which made a girl more sad.. well out of nilla word for a while... back to this... things gotten more clear in the last couple hours... i loved Him with all my heart.... a part of me still does... and will always do so but need to move on and want to move on...

sighs.. tis late so will have to keep working on this tomorrow as soon as she gets back home from school..

ack.. she hates doing this but shes too tired and headache still wif me :( hopefully wont forget what she wants to get out ..

she's glad she got back to write here.... yesterday was an exhausting day.. giggles.. spent whole morning out.. then as none of us wanted back home we went to town.. stayed in mc donalds for like 3 hours.... busy day .. giggles.. worst part is we did have lots of things to do... but a girl does not find home atractive anymore.. there's noone waiting for her there.. only trouble.. some drama.. but well she has to go back eventually .. shes grateful for her friends... they are not many but the ones she has are most wonderful.. they've helped her lots during all these hard moments.. if they could only know whole story.. well one of them does.. but its not same.. but they always there for this girl.. no matter what and she's there for them as well... sometimes a girl just needs some time out with her friends to chill or just to have a great time and forget about everything that saddens her...

Something keeps coming to her mind.. she used to have a blog not ss long ago and checked it the other day... she couldnt read it completely but there was something that she cant get out of her mind.. she once told Him how easy it was for her to give advice... with friends of course... but how she could never have some of that advice back or follow her own advice.. and that that was the story of her life... it was true... she always knows whats good and whats wrong... still she doesnt choose the good every time she can.. now if someone came to her for advice she encourages that person to do the right thing.. and she succeeds some times... not all but enough to make her feel good every once in a while now... why cant she follow her own advice? or her instinct? still an unanswered question..

ok thinks she really could use some more sleep now.. or else da rambling will go on forever.. she needs to finish some ideas here but will do so later..